When You Feel Like a Millennial

I have felt like a poster child for millennials the past couple days. It hurts me to even admit that, because the term "millennial" has such a negative connotation.

I started working at Gordmans as a department manager last week. When I accepted the offer, I felt so good about it! I have always loved that department store, I hated being unemployed, and I was ready to work hard! Three days into working there, I received the official word that the company had filed for bankruptcy and liquidation. Of course the process takes awhile, and I suppose there is always a chance that things may turn around... however once the bankruptcy was announced, the store got insanely busy! I like being busy, I always come home feeling accomplished. The store is short staffed, so the work load is heavy for everyone who works there. I quickly remembered why I disliked retail so much! The pay doesn't always match the work load and the schedule is not consistent. Busy turned into what feels like a burden, and on my way home last night I hated myself for being so upset about being so tired and so frustrated. So many of my daily tasks cannot get done because I am needed in other places, and of course that puts my department behind schedule. I have no room to be upset or frustrated! God answered our prayers so quickly. I mean, I was unemployed for only 10 days! Even though we were behind in my department, we had escalated sales, and were able to help every guest who came to shop. After all, they are the highest priority, so I should feel accomplished... but I still came home feeling like such a brat. It has been difficult for me to stay positive, and again... I have no right to feel so ungrateful.

I know the news of the bankruptcy has skewed my perception a little bit. I pray all day to help me see things from His perspective.

This morning I had a working interview for an oral surgery assistant. I have wanted to work in an oral surgery office for years, and when I interviewed a month ago, I felt great about how it went! It took so long for them to get back to me after leaving them a few voicemails, so when I received the opportunity to come in for a working interview, I thought I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel! I have felt so unhappy about where I am in my career, I couldn't help but believe that this was the Lord pulling through.

I was there for maybe 5 minutes before the Doctor pulled me into his office. He said, "I know right away that this job will not work out for you because you aren't trustworthy. Your tattoo gives off that vibe and we cant have that here." I told him I understood, and thanked him for the opportunity. He handed me my bag, and as he opened his office door he said, "If you have your tattoo removed you can re-apply for the job."

I was pretty shocked. My tattoo was peaking out just a little bit. I know that tattoos are not always favored, especially when trying to find a job, however I never thought the back of my neck would be such a big deal. That isn't what shocked me though. It was the automatic judgement of my character, based off of the slight view of a flower. He was so rude about it. I left feeling so angry and sad. It is a "Millennial" thing to have tattoos. Its a "Millennial" thing to be on the defense when someone judges you for them. I know its not just my age group that has them, I've met plenty of people 30 years my senior with full body art.

I served an honorable mission. I am clean before the Lord. I am a daughter of God with a current temple recommend. I am trustworthy. For a few moments though, none of that mattered to me. I was angry that I wasn't good enough for this job. I am so insanely unhappy with my current job and I was angry that the Lord couldn't throw me a bone. I feel like I am at a dead stop with my progression. Ive spent most of my morning trying to understand why I am in the position that I am.

The obvious answer is that maybe the Lord did do me a favor. No one wants a job where they are treated so poorly. I'm obviously at the peak of my pride cycle. The Lord knew that I could not grow if I was not brought down. If its worth mentioning, I feel pretty small.

My life isn't bad. As a matter of fact, I am extremely blessed. This is why I feel like such a spoiled brat.

I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing right now. I know I am supposed to be at Gordmans, for a reason completely unbeknownst to me. I know God is in charge and He knows what is going on. He sees so much more than me. I am constantly learning what it actually means to be humble. I'm so far from it, and as I type this I realize that I have been praying for the wrong things.

I am sure my Dad will roll his eyes at this blog post. It is such a millennial thing to put your whole life on display via social media. I needed to publicly declare my defeat. I am not talking about my job either. I am admitting that I cant do this on my own. I cant do anything without the Lord. I cant truly follow Him if I stay so prideful. Whatever lesson I am supposed to be learning is for my benefit. Its for the good of my family.

The Lord hasn't left me to feel alone. I can feel Him helping me, even though I am being so stubborn. I can feel His love through Isaac, who works so hard. Not only with his job, but as a husband. He constantly strives to make me happy. The blessings of being sealed do not go unnoticed. We worked so hard to be sealed. All of those experiences have stood as a reminder to me that anything worth while needs to be earned. I know the right job wont come to me if I stand idly by with my arms crossed. As the hymn says, "Put your shoulder to the wheel", right?